He sent me the most clinical of emails to end it. It was filled with anecdotal ideas that did not even seem to be coming from him. At least, not from his heart, which I know so well, which is entangled with mine. These reasons seemed to extend from his overburdened thinking mind, which I have also come to know. This antiseptic email is not from the person I know him to truly be. Or rather, it is from him, but it is not consistent with manner in which we share ourselves with each other.
We share our broadest thoughts, our most intricate emotions, our hopes, our promising dreams, our defenseless bodies, our uneasiness, and our sincerest souls all in exquisite detail. We share hidden secrets and unlock each other’s deepest buried treasures. Even in moments of extreme overwhelm the slightest connection melts away all fear. What did this conversation with an outside source reveal that so suddenly reversed his arrangement to follow his heart’s strongest desire? What was this epiphany that shattered our collective dream and planted seeds of “reality” deep within him? What is his new dream? What is his new story?
Maybe his perception of our exchange has been tainted. Perhaps it has been dissolved and reduced into the sum of its parts: unconventional and misguided. What has triggered this regression toward withholding his newest insights and surprising revelations? Why is he suddenly censored with me?
It is me, after all. It is me who knew him upon first site. It is me who accepts him as he is. It is me who has an overstuffed toolbox ready to take on anything. It is me who’s built a supportive foundation of trust and intimacy. It is me who listens to him deeply and respects his feelings and his words. It’s me. Is it possible that I energetically produced the perfect environment to germinate his doubt in me? Is it possible that my own fear and ego began nipping at the insecurity of my love’s heart? Did I attract this? I’m left only to wonder, as the details he provides are scarce and he has requested something nearly impossible. He has asked for my silence.
Today I am wrestling with 2 things. My responsibility in pushing the love of my life away because of fear, and this question: what could someone have possibly said that triggered this new discovery that would change the direction of our momentum? Propulsion we launched together in our most authentic and organic exchange of love.
Our entanglements are not of the physical world. They are in the depths of the core of love itself. They stem from the root of the deepest origin of life. There is no to-do list to untangle this. It is.
Am I not deserving of a loving conversation, of which he knows I’m capable? I would let him go if he looked me in the eyes and asked me to. I would not deny him his process or his true aspirations. I could not. Who is the man who sent me this email that I have dissected like a scientist to understand it’s anatomy? Who is the man that sat down to write words and thoughts sterilized by the mind and left unpunctuated? Who is the man that pressed send, and where is he now?